my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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