I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
