Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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