It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Girls should come with a carfax report
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize