just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
