history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize