I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
