I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
