There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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