She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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