Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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