I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
