the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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