someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
