thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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