I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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