Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
