I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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