Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
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