happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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