If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
