I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
