I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
