buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
and you fell through a lawn chair
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
