Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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