Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
