last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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