Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
