what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
