Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
