I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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