she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Oh god it's open bar.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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