I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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