i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
