So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
