if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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