What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
