Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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