I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
