if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
