So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
