WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
