he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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