I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
