I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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