Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
