I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize