I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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