I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
