hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
