So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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