I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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