They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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