hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
