bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
