a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
