I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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