my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize